2/14/12 - Dreading the Mammogram tomorrow. :(

When I originally went to the primary doc in October, it was for my gall bladder.  She saw the breast tumor  while examining me on my side and then within the next hour I was at the Oncologist.  The Oncologist sent me to the mammo center the next day, and they in turn sent me to the surgeon that same day.  So in 48 hours I went from having a bad gall bladder to stage 4 breast cancer that had metastasized to my bones and lymph nodes.

I know it's not supposed to be so, but the mammogram with ultrasound and biopsy's were just about the worst experience of my life.  It rates right up there with the day my mother was murdered, or the day my son ended his own life.  Probably because of how quickly it all happened - I never got the chance to adjust to the situation.

First off they took about 30 pics of each breast.  I have a crescent of dense tissue on the bottom and side of each breast - that they can't see through.  But they were bound and determined that they just needed to get the right angle of the dangle pic.  My bones ALL hurt and I was so weak - but didn't know that I had metastatic breast cancer.  So everything they asked me to do was next to impossible.  So I got through that and then went for the ultrasound.  The tech used what I now refer to as the, "tool from hell."  She pushed and prodded with the ultrasound tool - also bound and determined to see through the dense crescent tissue.  Also pushed and prodded on the tumor itself for a good while.  Then because the tech couldn't get a good enough ultrasound the anesthesiologist had to come in and do her own ultrasound for about an hour. = because she too was bound and determined to see through the dense tissue.  Also did her own torture on the breast tumor.

Then when they were done with all of that, they set up for the biopsies.  They told me it wouldn't hurt, that it would just be uncomfortable.  Well they lied - IT HURT, and the punch of the bipsies was loud , and unerved me. Anybody that knows me well - knows that I'm not spleeny and I don't cry in front of others easily.  But by now and after all of this, I was crying.  The anesthesiologist started to rub my head and ask me, "Don't you have a support system?"  Which of course, made me cry more and made it impossible for me to answer her.  How could I explain to them that 24 hours ago I just had a gall bladder problem, and now it was something so much more?  I then told them that if they didn't give anti-anxiety meds for this, then they should at least offer a girl a glass of wine.  Trying to be funny got me the "looks."  So then I was treated to the barage of questions about whether I had an addiction problem . . . . good lord, I was just trying to let them know how horrifying this experience was and how I didn't think the tests needed to be worse than the disease itself.

They did three biopsies and left the three different clips in for the surgeon.  Then I had to go back and have more mamograms of the right breast with the clips in it - for the surgeon.

In their defense, I'm sure they were just doing their job like I do.  It's impossible to put yourself in everyone's shoes.  It wouldn't be possible to do my job if I put myself in the place of every patient or family that I take care of.  You would only last a year or so before becoming burnt out.

But I also think that they need to realize that it's not only the physical aspect of the tests.  It's also the emotional aspect.  I don't think they realized that the results of the test they were doing would be given to me in  just 24 hours. 

My right breast (with the tumor) was bruised and black and blue for 2 mos.  The left breast was the same for about 1 mos.  I had scrapes from the mammo plates on both sides of my breasts.  All I could see were bruised violated breast - everytime I  changed my clothes or took a shower.  How do you explain that to anyone?  Everytime I have to have a test done I have to fight to make it as painless as possible.  I just don't understand, why should the tests hurt more than the disease?????

Now the n and I think that at th very least the breast tumor isn't getting smaller.  So he wants me to have a mammo.  I call and schedule it - the next available appointment is next thurs.  Then the docs office calls me today and want to know why I didn't schedule for this week.  I tell them that is the 1st appt. available.  The scheduling girl calls me back withing 5 mins and says that she has me scheduled for tomorrow.   So once again I'm being pushed through the system, and I have no time to adjust.  In my experience so far, that can't be good.

This time will be different because I have my good friend LaDonna going with me, no biopsies, and I will have some ativan on board.  But I'm will still be aware that the results of this test will be given to me on Friday.  I'm so dreading it, because I have yet to get good results from any test that I have had.

Pray with me that the health care workers will remember what it is that they are actually doing, and that maybe, just maybe, I could get some good results.

Update for February 10, 2012 Friday

My sis took me to chemo today.  Sorry no pics taken.

Good news - My platelets count went to38 last week and to 39 this week.  Red blood count (RBC), hemoglobin, hemocrit, all went up a tiny bit last week and this again some more this week.

So I had my chemo last week and this week.
Doc says if my counts come up again next week, we're going to add another chemo drug to the regimine.  Try and knock this crap out.

BAd news - My White blood count (WBC) shot throught the roof last week to 45, them went down to 29 this week (still way to hgh.).  Doc is stumped and doesn't understand what is going on and what to do about it.

The breast tumor seems to to be growing again, or at the very lest not shrinking anymore.  So I have a mamogram with ultrasound scheduled for the upcoming week.  I'll let you know the results when I get them.  Pray that me and the doc are crazy and that the tumor is actually shrinking

SIDE/PERSONAL note - I originally started this bog as a thank you to all my friends and family.  I wanted it to be celebration of what friends, family, and love can do for you, and the difference they can make.  I still want it to be about that.

I don't want this to be a rah rah rah  - let's kick cancers butt, cheerleader site.  I also don't want it to be a blah blah blah  - pity me I have cancer site.  But it has become clear that there are times I need to blog/type away about sad things, or sometimes about good things.  I have been hesitant to post anything but the facts.  But I think I need to change this up.  Sometimes I need to be on the pity pot and blog away about it, and sometimes I need to be upbeat and only blog about that.

So from now on,  I will blog about what is going on for me at the time.  I'm sorry if you only want to hear how strong I am, and how well I am doing.  That is just not always true.  Somedays I'm great, somedays I'm on a crying jag.  They are all me, and they are all apart of this cancer process.  I can't deny either one of them.

So read if you want, and it's okay if you don't want to read about whats going on.  It's true for all of us, we can only deal with what we can deal with today.  True for me and also true for all of you.

I will still try and make this site about all of my friends and family.  I love you all and appreciate everything you have done for me.  I truly couldn't make it without you and don't know how I will ever repay any of you.

Lots of love, Heather